Today i stayed home from school...I cryed all night long again... :cry: my dad told me to stay home because i need it. Hes getting me into this place called the Alexander Center. :? Its a place for teens with issues like mine i guess. Hes getting me in for an emergancy session or something today or tomorrow...I wonder if im gonna have to stay in a mental hospital soon..i probably will, im pretty much loosing it if not yet lost it. :roll: I was about to run away yesterday, but the thing is I relized i have no where to go...at all...My cuts are getting better i guess, not as deep anymore, a few more days and i can wear short sleeves again, finally! its really hot outside now, i cant take sitting in school with a sweatshirt on...but knowing me ill fuck it up and cut myself again :evil: ...next time i guess ill have to do it in a more hidden spot...But at the same time, i want some people to see it....as if its my cry for help or something...no one has helped so far so its probably not worth it..well im gonna go watch tv or something....draw or something...talk to you later, if im not in the Mental Center that is...
hey again, today wasnt [u]any[/u] better, my mom is still really mentally sick...the only thing she ever says to me is "Dont take care of your friends or family, only take care of your self..." its depressing...i cant take it, im worried about her and at the same time i really miss my mom....i know shes there [i]physically[/i] but i miss HER.... :cry: I miss all the fun times we has and all the halarious things she says....and how she talks to me and can understand and listen to me....There are post-it notes all over my house saying her feelings...such as "Im glad i have never hurt mark, he loves me so much" and "Ashley seems sad, shes ok" and "the pain is going away today". :( It hurts me so bad to read those for some reason...she writes them all the time...She also has been drawing alot of weird pictures...like a scribbly house and pictures of our family...my cut marks are definetly still there...i have a feeling i will be wearing long sleeve shirts for a while...and it sucks cuz its really hot outside...Owell...i got in a fight with my church leader tonight but i [b]dont[/b] really give a shit...Well im gonna go lay down...Later
It was a bad day....my mom is very sick, and my whole family has been dumping all their problems and feelings on me as if they dont care about how I feel. God last night I cut myself again, i shouldnt have done that. But when i get that depressed i dont think ever i just go in my own world and cry and thats the way i solve problems....i talked to the councler today at school and helped me with alot of things....Gosh I hate being home now and being at school, i have no where to go...I cant handle this, my aunt, uncle and grandparents call ME to tell them whats wrong in THEIR life and start crying and stuff....because they have no1 to call because my mom isnt able to talk on the phone right now...its like HELLO im only 15 years old and have enough problems in my life I dont need yours!?!? My mom shouldnt have to ever listen to them either, no wonder shes so mentally ill right now geez! AH i dont know what to do, its hard to think today....Im gonna go watch a movie to relax...I'll keep you all updated! xoxo, Ash
Wow First entry how exciting :o ...haha kinda..! Well today was a Monday and school pretty much sucked today...I slept in and missed study hall thank god...Government was boring as hell...i dunno every class was...Last Tuesday my friend died...acsedently. Everyone thought it was a suicide at first but with the police reports and stuff we discoverd it wasnt. I went to his funeral this Saturday :cry: ...wow it was tragic...i dont know how much ive cried these past few days....if anyone is out there or reading my Blog please pray for me to get through these hard times...its been a rough week. Ive suffered from depression/anxioty for about 1 1/2 years...im treated for it tho so its alright.:cry: But anyways lets get to a little happier subject....this weekend i went to a HUGE party! It was crazy, packed full of practicly the whole highschool haha actually no not really but it was 300 people in just my friends house! I drank so much, damn haha! it was a good time, i crashed at her house afterwards..Then the next day i went tanning! yeah thats pretty much my weekend....well better get going! You all better watch Family Guy tonight!! (Best Show! ) haha!
